January 28, 2021- Healing Summary

 I've read back through some of these posts, and I think how sad they are. However, it helped me to write when I was grieving the most. My dad's death has been really hard, but my life is good. I have come a long way. I have an amazing life. Though my dad is very important to me, I have chosen to not let his death define me, at least I try. It has affected me and shaped me positively and negatively, but it is part of life. I have a wonderful family, great kids, and so many things to be grateful for. I sometimes think about if I die, I hope I won't have to look down from heaven and see my family hurting and unhappy. That sounds miserable. I hope in heaven you don't see that, or that it goes by so fast that it is ok. I would want my loved ones to be happy and enjoy life. I think about how my dad would not want his death to cause so much anguish. He always wanted to help people and wanted people to be happy. I hope he sees all the happiness I have also had, since he was gone. I have been able to keep living, though I will never forget him, I am happy. Time does help. Celebrating him, talking about him, and remembering him helps too. I definitely value relationships more. I try to help others who are having health problems or deaths. I know what it feels like to have people care about you in that time of need. I'm not perfect at it, but I try. Humans are resilient, and I think that is a good quality. I've had more good dreams with my dad in them, and I love that. My dad lives on in all of his- his memories, our time with him, his looks, his personality traits, his quirks, his love, and all that he taught us.

In My Dreams

My dad hasn't appeared in my dreams for quite sometime. I've really wanted to experience life with him, even if it was just in a dream state. I dreamed about him a lot after he died, but this last while I've noticed, I haven't. In my dreams, my dad is just like he was in real life- supportive, genuine, non-assuming, and not judgmental. He went about his life, just getting on and being a good person. He usually seemed content, even though he had things he was working on or wanting to do or wasn't feeling good. I think he had an appreciation or realization that life is about the moments. I get that now. You just don't know how long you get to live on this earth or even just that your circumstances will change, so you appreciate it and enjoy the small things. I woke up in the night, excited he was in my dream. I remembered it then, but I couldn't fully remember it later. I remember he was really supportive of what I was wanted to do or was currently doing, and it made me happy in the dream. Somehow when I dream of him, a lot of times I have this awareness that he has died, but he is in another dimension sharing something with me. In those dreams, I relish in every moment, because I know it won't last. I'm grateful for him. I'm grateful my babies met him, and talk about him. Olivia prays for him to come alive. She cries that she doesn't get to see him. She was 4 months old when he died, and somehow she has some connection to him. Now I need to remember in my day to day life the lessons my dad taught me, and also the lesson of what his death taught me. It is hard to get caught up and forget. I hope he is happy, which I'm sure he is. I always believed in life after death, but when my dad died I questioned the whole existence of God and my religion. I've come to a place, that for me, I want life after death, so I choose to believe in it and believe in God. That concept means my dad is alive, and that he may actually be experiencing my current life with me, even if I don't recognize it. It also means I get to hug him again someday. That would be amazing- to hug him and hear his voice. It would be amazing for my kids to hug him. One day; one day!

Spring Thoughts about My Dad

Sometimes I can think about my dad, and think about who he was and try to remember him as if he is still here- like how he would feel about certain things going on in life- politics, our religion, milestones in my life and my girls' lives. It is nice to feel like you knew a person well enough to know how he would feel about things. Of course, I wish I had known him even more. What I love about my dad is that he had his opinions and feelings, but he didn't push them on anyone. He knew how he felt, but if someone he loved felt differently, he was willing to change how he felt because he respected and valued those close to him, and if he felt differently about a situation, he could just keep that to himself and not try to change anyone's opinion. My dad valued the relationships more in his life than being right or caring if we all felt the same way. He never tried to change anyone's mind on things. I highly respect that.


I've been more emotional about my dad not being here in the recent past than my usual state. I've had some minor health issues, that required a doctor's visit. Almost 5 years to the day of this appointment to the same type of doctor, my dad went so out of his way for me. We were living in Las Vegas and I needed a colonoscopy. Mark needed to work, and I had Emily, who was only 2.5 at the time. I wasn't comfortable leaving Emily with very many people, nor was she. My dad drove down from Las Vegas for the day to drive me and pick me up from my procedure, and take care of Emily. He took her to the park and played with her for several hours. It was such a service to me, but he acted like it was all for him. He told me how much he enjoyed spending time with Emily and really getting to know her more. When my dad had spent time with Emily in the past, it was usually with several family members around. They had a great time together that day. My dad drove home that evening, to go to work the next day. When I went to my appointment a couple of days ago, I thought about that day 5 years ago. I had no idea how incredibly lucky I was to have a dad like that. That was just the norm for me. He has been gone now for 3.5 years, and it is still hard. I miss him. Mostly I miss that my kids don't get to grow up with him. My girls talk about him, and I love that. They really will not have any idea what they are missing, and I guess that is good not to know. However, he has blessed their lives in so many ways- then and now. I think he watches over them. That is just who he is.

His Birthday

Written April 2017

As I approach my Dad's third birthday after his death (he would be turning 63 years old), I am flooded with emotion. I still think about him everyday. I still cry, but not as much. I try to focus on how great he was, instead of how sad I am. I still really miss him. I have dreams with him in them. I love them. We are usually traveling,  or he is helping me with something. He had so many great qualities, but lately I have been thinking of one in particular. My dad was very nice. My dad would take time to talk to people, but mostly listen to people. He was aware of what people needed, a listening ear. He would say hello to strangers, and could tell if they needed a listening ear. He would slow down to talk to his neighbors. He would also listen to his family and friends. He would truly hear them. In the couple years before his death, I was in an odd phase, trying to learn how to transition to a mom. I felt I had a lot to complain about. It was hard for me. My dad would call often to check on me. He always validated how I felt, seemed to really feel it with me, and always tell me it would get better. Somehow, the way he listened to me helped. He would say, "I've been thinking a lot about you." Somehow, he knew how to just slow down and allow these type of moments to happen. He would wave to people he didn't know, and be so kind to everyone. He was much nicer than me. I get caught up in rushing around and my life, but a few moments of being nice can make a big difference. I'm trying to listen like he did, to be there for people who need just a couple of minutes with a nice person. I've had a few experiences with people lately, that I've seen when I do that, it feels really good. Our foreman for our landscaping project, reminds me of my dad. He is probably the same age, and he has the calm, listening personality. Mark and I've had such nice, fun conversations with him. Those kind of people are rare. So this year, to celebrate my Dad, I'm going to try and be more in tune to those around me. To slow down, and be aware of those people who just need someone to be nice, and a listening ear for a few minutes.

For my dad, I have a church calling. I feel that I can honor him that way. I know he would be happy. I am a primary teacher, and it can drain on me sometimes. My dad would do things sometimes, not because he wanted to, but because it was the right thing to do. He would always come around to feeling like it was really good for him and sometimes really enjoying it. I'm trying to do this too.

Transitions and Longing

Over the last year, we have been in the process of building a home. We are now in it. It is big and beautiful, and completely functional. It meets all our needs. We hope to never leave it. We built it so we could live here when we are old. The process has been stressful and tiresome, but also rewarding. All along the way, I've thought of my dad. He would have been so excited for us. He would have loved it. He would have been so positive, and helped me to not get so upset with the small things along the way, or he would have at least listened to me and heard me out, which just makes me feel better.

It was hard to leave the rental house in Lehi for our new house in Lehi, not because it was so great. It was because that was the house I moved to right after my dad died. Mark picked out the house by himself while I stayed in St. George and sat in the hospital room by my dad. The timing was crazy, but a blessing too. It allowed us to spend more time in St. George before we moved completely from Vegas. I experienced an array of emotions at that rental house- numbness, loneliness, anger, grief, sadness, etc. It was hard, and yet that house was comforting. It was a small house and it felt safe to me. My kids' bedrooms were upstairs, right by mine. My whole function in life at that time, was to survive, take care of my kids, deal with my grief, help my mom, and try to not make Mark suffer as much as I was. He was dealing with my dad's death himself.

So the transition, though hard, was good. All through the moving process, I thought of my dad. The last weekend I saw him before he was in the hospital, was at my house in Vegas helping me pack for the move. I only wish I knew what was going to happen, and that I could have done something to save him. I've moved now to this house. My dad would be so proud and happy. I know he is. He was most happy when his kids were happy and successful.

I've wanted a closeness to my dad. To feel him, to talk to him, to know he is here. I read something that talked about how our deceased loved ones are around us and we just don't realize it. They give us feelings or thoughts. As I've paid attention, I've realized it has happened to me. A priesthood blessing gives me that, and sometimes I just have some thoughts or emotion that I know comes from outside me. While doing Zumba this summer at the church, the song was about being happy. It was very upbeat and I really enjoyed it. One time when it said, "Be Happy." I knew it was my dad talking to me. I felt it in my whole body, and immediately started crying. I really can't describe it eloquantely, but I knew instantly what he wanted for me.

Also, I had a dream a couple of months ago, that I knew my dad was talking to me. We were in Disneyland, my dad and my family, and I was trying to help him with something. He started bleeding and getting really sick and I knew he was dying right there. I woke from my dream, not completely woke up, but recall not being in such a deep sleep, and trying to figure out what that meant. I wasn't crying, and then in my head it replayed and I heard my dad say, there was nothing I could have done to save him. He was going to die. The Disneyland event was to show me that if it wouldn't have happened how it actually did, it was going to happen soon anyway a different way. He had to go, and I couldn't do anything to save him. I woke up sobbing. Over the previous couple of weeks, I had been having so many flashbacks to his death. I felt so much guilt that I didn't do more to save him. I should have known and I should have had him at every doctor until we figured out what was going on. I realized from that dream, my dad does watch over me. He knows what I am going through, even though he isn't physically here. People in life don't even have that protection or love like I do from my dad who is no longer here. He will always be with me. I love him.

Feeling Close to My Dad

I was really struggling last month, with not feeling good, with anxiety that has developed since my dad's death, and with missing my dad. Mark gave me a blessing that was so comforting to me. I've had two now, since his death, and I never feel so close to my dad as I do then. It is my connection to him. It proves that he still lives. In the blessing it said that my dad is watching over my girls and seeing what they are doing. That he loves me and is proud of me and is aware of what I am going through. I was also blessed to know that I will have a long time with my kids and family. I am always afraid now, that I will lose my kids or Mark, or something will happen to me and my kids will be without a mom. It terrifies me. This blessing was of great comfort to me, even though now I don't remember it all, but the feeling I have of my Dad being very near was very comforting.

Father's Day is Approaching

I think about my dad everyday, not just with Father's Day coming, but having Father's Day upon us makes me analyze my thoughts more. Though, I say analyze, they really are still just a jumbled mess.

What would I say is one of the overall messages I got from my dad? My dad was a huge support to me. He cared for me, and he listened to me. He was good at it. He knew how to get me talking. He would say, "So what else is going on?" He would tell me how much he loved me and prayed for me. He always told me how I was going to do great things and succeed; that things would always work out. He always showed his concern, in a positive way. I look back on that, and think how amazing that was. I don't know if I completely understood how amazing that was at the time, but I sure miss it now. I don't know if I thought he was too optimistic or not in touch, or if I thought anything at all about it. Now I think, I want to be that for my kids.

The other message I've gotten from my dad, is that he was unwavering in his belief in God and his commitment to his church. He was such a servant to God, and was always helping people. I believe even in his last few days, he was unwavering in God's plan for him. He was a fighter. He tried to live, but he knew he was needed somewhere else. I think he held on a little longer for us, for us to wrap our heads around what was happening. He did not seem afraid of what was happening. That gives me comfort. This has helped me persevere. His death made and sometimes still makes me questions a lot of things, but I try to push it aside, and be like my dad; believing and obedient.

I miss him more than everything. I miss that he can't see my successes. Nothing would make him happier. I wish he could see how cute and amazing and smart my girls are. I wish he could see our new home we are building. I wish he could be here to comfort my mom, and take away her sadness. He completed her. She is a survivor, and she will overcome, but I wish she had him too.

I love you Daddy. Happy Father's Day! Emily wants to celebrate this day for you, even though you are not here, and I agree. She wanted to get you a card and send you a balloon in heaven. She believes heaven is very close to earth. I love that thought.