In My Dreams

My dad hasn't appeared in my dreams for quite sometime. I've really wanted to experience life with him, even if it was just in a dream state. I dreamed about him a lot after he died, but this last while I've noticed, I haven't. In my dreams, my dad is just like he was in real life- supportive, genuine, non-assuming, and not judgmental. He went about his life, just getting on and being a good person. He usually seemed content, even though he had things he was working on or wanting to do or wasn't feeling good. I think he had an appreciation or realization that life is about the moments. I get that now. You just don't know how long you get to live on this earth or even just that your circumstances will change, so you appreciate it and enjoy the small things. I woke up in the night, excited he was in my dream. I remembered it then, but I couldn't fully remember it later. I remember he was really supportive of what I was wanted to do or was currently doing, and it made me happy in the dream. Somehow when I dream of him, a lot of times I have this awareness that he has died, but he is in another dimension sharing something with me. In those dreams, I relish in every moment, because I know it won't last. I'm grateful for him. I'm grateful my babies met him, and talk about him. Olivia prays for him to come alive. She cries that she doesn't get to see him. She was 4 months old when he died, and somehow she has some connection to him. Now I need to remember in my day to day life the lessons my dad taught me, and also the lesson of what his death taught me. It is hard to get caught up and forget. I hope he is happy, which I'm sure he is. I always believed in life after death, but when my dad died I questioned the whole existence of God and my religion. I've come to a place, that for me, I want life after death, so I choose to believe in it and believe in God. That concept means my dad is alive, and that he may actually be experiencing my current life with me, even if I don't recognize it. It also means I get to hug him again someday. That would be amazing- to hug him and hear his voice. It would be amazing for my kids to hug him. One day; one day!

Spring Thoughts about My Dad

Sometimes I can think about my dad, and think about who he was and try to remember him as if he is still here- like how he would feel about certain things going on in life- politics, our religion, milestones in my life and my girls' lives. It is nice to feel like you knew a person well enough to know how he would feel about things. Of course, I wish I had known him even more. What I love about my dad is that he had his opinions and feelings, but he didn't push them on anyone. He knew how he felt, but if someone he loved felt differently, he was willing to change how he felt because he respected and valued those close to him, and if he felt differently about a situation, he could just keep that to himself and not try to change anyone's opinion. My dad valued the relationships more in his life than being right or caring if we all felt the same way. He never tried to change anyone's mind on things. I highly respect that.


I've been more emotional about my dad not being here in the recent past than my usual state. I've had some minor health issues, that required a doctor's visit. Almost 5 years to the day of this appointment to the same type of doctor, my dad went so out of his way for me. We were living in Las Vegas and I needed a colonoscopy. Mark needed to work, and I had Emily, who was only 2.5 at the time. I wasn't comfortable leaving Emily with very many people, nor was she. My dad drove down from Las Vegas for the day to drive me and pick me up from my procedure, and take care of Emily. He took her to the park and played with her for several hours. It was such a service to me, but he acted like it was all for him. He told me how much he enjoyed spending time with Emily and really getting to know her more. When my dad had spent time with Emily in the past, it was usually with several family members around. They had a great time together that day. My dad drove home that evening, to go to work the next day. When I went to my appointment a couple of days ago, I thought about that day 5 years ago. I had no idea how incredibly lucky I was to have a dad like that. That was just the norm for me. He has been gone now for 3.5 years, and it is still hard. I miss him. Mostly I miss that my kids don't get to grow up with him. My girls talk about him, and I love that. They really will not have any idea what they are missing, and I guess that is good not to know. However, he has blessed their lives in so many ways- then and now. I think he watches over them. That is just who he is.