I cry a lot, and I know I am not alone. We cry because of our loss of an amazing person. I write to help me. I am not an eloquent writer, but I must deal with my sadness and pain. I will never be the same person, but I hope to deal with my dad's loss and to pay tribute to him. This is for me, and hopefully may benefit others in need. My dad does not need this. He is in a better place, but he knows I do. He fulfilled his mission. I know he wishes for me to be as happy as I was before God took him. I hope to honor him and help others as he did.
My dad was the most amazing person, and I know everyone says that about those that die and maybe everyone is to those around them. He was special. He was humble and righteous and kind. Those are vague terms and easy to say, but hard to do. I will share why as time goes.
I was practically dealing with his death. Then I was numb to his death. Then I was sad. Then I was mad. I don't know where I am now, but I am not the same person I use to be. I am not as focused. I am vulnerable and scared. I feel like I have no control over my life. However, I do trust God, even if I forget sometimes. When he died, I knew it was God's plan and my father was willing to follow it. He was righteous. I love my dad. I love my mom, who now suffers without him. We will survive, but we must work on experiencing true joy again, like before, for that is what my dad would want.
It is hardest at night- when I am feeding my baby and rocking her to sleep. I think of him and what he is missing, even though he isn't because he sees it all. So I guess I cry for myself and my family. I have so much to say about what I've felt over the last month and a half. I will get to it. I will go day by day. I should have started sooner, for I have felt so much, but I will start from now.
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