Valentine's Day

I am so hurt and sad that I haven't been able to write like I wanted. I want to be in the place where I just have good memories and am at peace. I felt like I was there for a short time. I think I am going the wrong way in the stages of grief. Everything I see and do reminds me of my dad, and it makes me sad- sad for me and sad for my mom the most and also the rest of the family. His death has changed me. I hoped it would somehow make me better, but I feel I am a worse, more depressed, more disconnected person. I know that this may also be due the huge amount of change and stress in my life, but nonetheless, it contributes. Sick kids, sick myself, new city, and my husband not working due to the process of starting a dental practice (which will take a year, and is a daunting feat on its own) seems to be too much for me. I miss my easy life in Las Vegas when all I really worried about was my kids. In Las Vegas Mark was making money, I had friends and a support network, my daughter had so many cousins nearby and hadn't experienced such change, my dad was alive and I saw him often, and it was sunny everyday. I wanted this move and if it wouldn't have happened when it did, I wouldn't have seen my dad as much, but it is still hard. This new life in this new city is what I want for my kids' future, but it doesn't take away how I feel now. I need to get over myself, and be there for everyone, but somehow I am frozen. It was easier when I was just helping my mom settle everything after his death, but I guess this is life after death. I hope to ease into it, and eventually honor my dad versus be so selfish. I know I need therapy, but the money and time alone don't exist. Also, then I have to really deal with the fact that he is gone. I don't want to deal with that.