To Dad- This First Christmas Season Without You

Dad, I think about you all the time. I miss you so much. With this holiday season, I feel the loneliness. I've had more of those moments, that I still can't believe I will drive to St. George, and you won't be there, or that I'm sleeping in your bed next to Mom, in your spot, instead of you. I look around at men your age and their families, and I think they have no idea what they have. What I wouldn't give to just sit and talk with you or to just be in the same room with you. You had such a calming presence. So many things this holiday season remind me of you. I debated doing anything that would remind me of what I am missing, but I decided to do it. We had our traditional German dinner. I thought it wasn't fair that you weren't there to have it with us. I am grateful, though, that you loved so many things that I can experience and remember you. I bought Squirt and Coke in glass bottles for our meal on December 23, the day you died. You would have liked to drink those again. We had those green chile tacos with limes that I made for you a few times and you loved so much. I haven't been able to eat them since you died, but I did on the 23rd. I'm trying to move on, but it is so hard. I try to be so grateful for each moment I have with those I love, but I also have this almost debilitating fear that I will lose my kids or Mark. I'm always scared. I just never thought I would lose you like that. I thought you would be an old man, that I was taking care of. Oh, how I wish. Good Christmas songs make me immediately cry, because I can hear you singing them, especially Silent Night in German.


You will never be forgotten. You influenced so many people for good. I don't think you have any idea how much people loved you and admired you. You were so humble.


I love you Daddy!

It is the holiday season, and I don't want to celebrate it. I miss my dad. He died almost one year ago, December 23 is the day. I've had a lot of flashbacks to the time in the hospital. I've become extremely scared of my kids getting sick. Olivia was admitted to the hospital for dehydration due to a virus that stayed a little too long. It was scary, and traumatizing. Even Emily was nervous. She was worried Olivia was going to die. She asked questions and talked about Grandpa dying in the hospital. It made me sad that she has dealt with that, and sad that she doesn't have him around to dote on her. Mark gave my girls and me a blessing when we were all sick. He talked about my dad and how he wanted me to be happy and not so sad, and that he loved me so much. The things he said were things my dad would have said. It was comforting.


Great things are happening in our life, and I feel bad that my dad doesn't get to experience them with us. He would be so excited and satisfied that we are building a house in a city we love. He would be thrilled that Emily is the best reader in her preschool class. I miss him. I feel so sad that he was suffering.

Missing His Presence

I always think about my dad, but I can't bring myself to write. Writing makes me live in the sadness, though I know it is good to get it out.
My birthday was hard without my dad, and I knew it would be. I have a lot of great people in my life, but my dad was that person who loved me unconditionally and could verbalize that in such a way that it brought peace and security to me. I always knew I could count on him to just love me. My dad often told me how proud he was of me and how much he loved me, but on my birthday, I could always count on him. I always knew my birthday was special for not only me, but him too. He was a soul full of emotion, and would ponder life. Even as imperfect as I am, I knew that he felt I was such an accomplishment in life. I made him extremely proud, though undeserving by me. I wish he would take credit for my good parts, since he shaped me, but he didn't- he gave all the credit to me. It was hard on my birthday not to get that phone call or get that big hug wishing me a happy birthday, wanting to know my plans, hearing that he was thinking of me and proud of me, and that he was praying for me. Everyone needs a person like my dad in their life. I know it even more now.


I've realized that I'm upset at God. I've tried to just ignore the whole thing, because I don't want to make any stupid decisions or even put words to what I just did. My dad was an amazing person who deserved to live longer. His family needed him. His ward needed him. We all prayed and fasted and made promises, and none of it mattered. I know there is more reason to his death- that there is more to this world and that my dad is probably doing amazing things- but it doesn't take away my human pain and the pain I feel for my mom. I wish I could feel my dad or see him or know what he is doing. I wish we were more connected between worlds. So I try to forget how upset I am, and still just press on in church for my kids and for my dad. I have a calling for him- he would be proud. I wish the couple years before he died, I could have been better at church callings and attendance- despite my anxiety- for my dad. I'm sure that was hard for him. So now I do. My mom and I went to the temple again, and it feels good, but I wish the feelings could last longer.

Kolob

I think about my dad several times a day. It mostly makes me sad that he is not here, and he is missing out on life. I'm sad that I am missing out on him too. Here, in Utah, I am constantly reminded of my dad. There are so many men his age with a similar style going about their daily life. It makes me sad that my dad can't do the same. I'm also very sad for my mom. She no longer has her next to her everyday to comfort her, keep her company, and enjoy life. He was too young to die. I don't understand it. It makes me realize I don't understand this life so much. Why can't everyone live until they are old? My therapist says it says in the Doctrine in Covenants that we are appointed to death. I think my dad was so righteous, he must not have needed as long here. I still have these moments that I think he is alive, and then I realize he isn't. It shocks me and instantly makes me so sad everytime. I've started to have some good memories of my dad. I feel guilty I didn't make more. I was around him a lot, but I was busy attending to my kids and thinking about myself. I did think about him, worry about him, and know how much he sacrificed for me. I hope he knew that. He was so selfless.


On Labor Day Weekend, we went to his property at Kolob, where he loved to be. It was hard to go, but I felt like I needed to. It was very peaceful. I was sad he wasn't there, lying in his hammock, but I felt peace. It was nice to be with my mom and my brother and his family. The weather was perfect. I could feel my dad at peace. The ride home was the hardest. We didn't stay over night. It is hard with the kids and my joints, so we left in the evening. Mark and I thought of my dad and talked of him. I vividly remember the last time I went to the property, Memorial Day 2014. My dad wasn't feeling good and came home with us that night, instead of staying up there with everyone else. It wasn't like him. We had a nice conversation on the ride home. I just remember him being so supportive of Mark and me. He loved Emily so much. (He made up songs and sang to her often about how pretty and smart she was.) I wish I would have known last year, that he was more than just tired with some sort of cold. He was sick, very sick. I feel so much guilt. I look back at pictures from Halloween last year, and my dad doesn't like he feels good. It makes me so sad. Even if he had to die, I wish he would have felt better in the meantime. He didn't complain enough. He just dealt with it. I miss him so much. His death has rocked my world. I have so much anxiety and sadness now. I hope to overcome it. Also, on the mountain, as I rode on the Rhino (atv) with my girls and Heidi (Brian's wife), I thought about my dad. When Emily was little, we did stay one night at the property with my parents. My dad loved it there, so I would go to be with everyone, and do what he loved. That time, Mark, my dad, my mom, Emily, and I went on a Rhino ride together. Mark drove. We rode to the creek that my dad like to scoop up a handful of water from and drink, as it came right out of the earth. That memory is very nice.

My Dad's Influence

It is hard to believe that it has been over six months since my dad died. His birthday and Father's Day were tough. We spent them with my family. It is strange that life goes on, and yet it doesn't. I think about how I miss him everyday. Lately, I feel lonely and sad. It is a strange feeling to lose a parent, someone who cares about you and is always there to catch you. It means I have to become more and more the adult in life.


After my dad died, I was searching for meaning and a way to honor him. I couldn't find the right thing. I considered taking up running and doing races for causes, but it seemed so trite. I thought a lot about what was important to my dad. It was his family and church. Before he died, I was trying to get my temple recommend again, since it had expired. My Bishop wanted to know me more before I could get it. I think he wanted me to be more involved. I didn't have a calling and I had been gone a lot, due to Olivia's birth. It frustrated me. I had been feeling for months that I needed to get my recommend. One of the last in depth conversations I had with my dad occurred in November about this. I told him what was happening and my concerns that since we were moving, my new bishop wouldn't want to give me a recommend because of my old bishop. My dad was so encouraging and supportive of me. He understood what I was going through. He was not judgmental at all. He assured me it wouldn't be a problem. After his death, we moved a month later, and  I got right on getting my recommend. As I was leaving my appointment, recommend in hand, I knew what I had to do for my dad. I had to face my anxiety of having a calling, and just deal with it. I needed to go to the temple more regularly. Mark and I took the calling of Primary Teachers. It has been really good for us, even though it can be difficult with a baby and finding subs when we go out of town, but it has been worth it. Church had been really difficult for me. I was very cynical and critical of what people would say- they really had no idea what it was like to go through what we did. Primary has been good because it is the basic principles of the gospel. We even spoke in church. My dad has inspired me. I know he would be very pleased.


My dad's death has also changed me as a parent. I was a good parent before, but I was a little too selfish and didn't quite recognize how amazing this opportunity is. I now relish in every moment with my kids. I am more present with them. I am more patient and more grateful. Life can change in an instant and also time just flies by so fast. My babies are my everything. They are what I go on for.

Sleep Training my 10 month old Baby

Getting my baby to sleep through the night- I have been putting it off for so many reasons, even though I would really like her to sleep more at night, and especially me to sleep more at night. I understand it more now. My baby saved me through my father's death and the month's that followed. When my dad was in the ICU, my baby wouldn't take a bottle, so I would rush home every couple of hours, or someone would bring her to me, so I could feed her. She needed me. I had to stay healthy for her. I ate and I drank water for her. In the months that followed, I sat in her room at night feeding her thinking of my father and how hurt I was and tried to figure out ways to understand why this happened and how to make sense of his death. With my dad's death, my love for my girls is even more on the forefront of my mind. They are my everything. My world had been turned upside down, and I felt like nothing mattered anymore. The only thing that mattered was that they had a good life. That kept me going. Having my baby cry because she wanted or needed me, has been too much for me to handle, so I always went to her. I wanted to help her, like I couldn't for my father. So now, moving on and letting her cry it out and not feeding her at night will be hard for me. Though I hate the quiet time to myself in the middle of the night, I know I will miss it. It feel like it kept me connected to my dad and my reality. I don't want my baby to grow up, and I don't want the time to pass so quickly from when I last saw my dad. However, I know it is best for my baby, so I must do it.

Therapy Goal- Positive Writing

One of my goals for therapy is to write something positive-  to write about my dad, not about me. I have struggled with remembering my dad, probably because I am so focused on how his death has affected me. I haven't been able to look past it, but I want to. I want to think about my dad with a smile on my face sometimes, not tears streaming down it.


I have had a few dreams with my dad in it. One where we were on a rhino ride together, just talking. He was being so caring, as he always was, just asking how I was doing and how everything was going. I turned to him, and said I thought he died and was not coming back. He said he was gone for awhile, but not forever. I was so relieved, until I woke up. It made me happy to have a dream with him in it, but even more sad that a situation like that won't happen again and it wasn't real. However, the other day, it hit me that maybe it was a message to me. Him being gone is for the rest of my earth life, but not forever. I know that already, but it doesn't comfort me. This comforted me a little. I also had a dream that I was shopping with him, and we ran into some ward members who recently had their son die. He had forgotten that, but was still being so caring. I reminded him, and he was right there with me in the moment.


So for my good memory of my dad that I thought of this week... It was our trip to Walt Disney World in Florida. It was the summer before 10th grade. We had never been to Florida. What I remember most was being at the Epcot Center with my dad and family. We loved going to all the different countries. My dad had installed in us a love of travel and learning about different cultures. I particularly remember his excitement in the German area, because it was so similar to the real place. I had been to Germany with my dad and mom when I was in seventh grade, so it meant something more to me. My dad was a good sport the whole trip. He participated in all the rides and activities. Up to that point in my life, that was the biggest trip I had been on in the U.S.. I feel very blessed to have had that opportunity with him. I plan to find my pictures, and I'm sure more memories of that trip will flood back to me.

Cycles of Emotional Being

I go through cycles of how I think and feel about my dad and his death. For awhile, I was mostly thinking about how his death affected my life. It has made me a different person, not a better or stronger person. Lately, I have just been sad. I miss him. I feel bad that he doesn't get to experience the great things in life anymore. I also felt sad for myself, while all along having deep empathy for my mom. I realized that I miss and will miss what he use to do for me. He had great attributes. He had an undying confidence in me. I could do anything and he thought I was so great, even if I did nothing. He was so humble. If I was worried about the future, he calmed me and always said everything will work out. He always eluded to how smart I was. I believe he thought I was smarter than I really am. He just always thought everything would always get better. It was nice to have that. I am a worrier and a planner of details. He always had faith and just put in the work. He seemed to approve of my choices, but if he didn't, I didn't know. He was supportive no matter what. I never really termed him a loyal person. It wasn't a word I thought about often until lately. I don't feel that I was really trying to be a loyal person. I feel that my family was on the side of the person in the right, but as I look back my dad tried to encourage the right and yet he was very loyal. He was very loyal to me. Even when I wasn't living up to my full potential, he didn't give me a hard time. He understood and always said why it would come. He understood my circumstances and my limitations, but he knew my potential. I miss him dearly. I miss that safety net of complete confidence that life was going to be okay. He eased my mind. Growing up, he was always a peacemaker in my family. I know he was a calming force to a lot of other people around him too. I also miss his enthusiasm for the little things, like the different Coke bottles. He had such a youthful spontaneous side too. He knew how to live life. He sure did. I only pray he is happier now than he was in this life- with no pain.

Grandpa's Girl

My baby is "Grandpa's Girl". He use to call her that, as he did with all his granddaughters as he would rock them and sing to them. I can just picture him walking around my house, with my baby cradled in his arms, as he gently bounced her and sang to her- singing songs he made up that included how she was Grandpa's girl and how he loved her. My best friend from high school and college saw my baby for the first time and said her eyes looked my dad's eyes. It hit me then, and I realized my baby looks like my dad. She even makes these facial expressions that are uniquely his. I am grateful for that. When she is older, I will tell her that often, and tell her about him. I will tell her how loving, non-judgmental, and humble he was. I will tell her how he was so supportive of his kids and his grandkids.


I try to be okay, but I have this overwhelming subdued sadness that hangs over me. I use to feel like I could be more in control of my emotions and destiny, but now I feel powerless. I have lost my optimism for good things to happen in life. It is very sad. It makes me scared and kind of frozen. I hate it for my husband and family. I have shutdown a lot. I find it easier to just not talk, because I don't have anything positive to say or don't feel like celebrating. I have the attitude now- I'll believe when I see it. I want my naivete and faith back. I thought I would just miss my dad, but I had no idea how his death would also change me to the core. I feel like I lost my dad physically, and also his spirit and aura. I feel like the latter being my fault. I want to be able to feel him and know he is here with me and my family, but I can't find him because of my blocked self. It makes me wonder if my belief in his spirit staying with me was all never going to happen. I hope not. I was always a believer and felt there was a connection between our worlds. I get that people have to die, but I hate it.


Sundays are the worse. I know my mom is having a hard time alone at her church, and I realize that people at church have no idea what is really like to go through something like this. Basic principles are comforting, but somehow don't completely uphold once you've had a real problem- at least for now. I hope they do in the future. Every Sunday seems to be about challenges and hard things, but I feel like people have no idea. Maybe they are all more faithful then I am. I want to raise my hand and say, but what about when that doesn't work..., and say it isn't really the way they all think it is, but what is the point. I will just look crazy, and what good what that do. So instead, I try to get something out of it, keep holding my tears back, and wish we could talk about some other principles, like paying your tithing. I want to just leave, but I know I should stay.


Tonight we ate a meal that I started making last year- Green chili tacos with several toppings that are unique. I made it for my dad a couple of times. He loved it. I made it for his 60th birthday, his last birthday. It was hard to eat it tonight. I only made it because my husband really wanted it. Almost everything I see and do reminds me of my dad, and someday I hope that it doesn't bring me down so much and make me cry tears of sadness.


I try to come back to my blessings, even though I can't get them to stick in my head. I have my health, a great husband, and two beautiful and healthy daughters that my father loved. And... I have Grandpa's Girl.

Valentine's Day

I am so hurt and sad that I haven't been able to write like I wanted. I want to be in the place where I just have good memories and am at peace. I felt like I was there for a short time. I think I am going the wrong way in the stages of grief. Everything I see and do reminds me of my dad, and it makes me sad- sad for me and sad for my mom the most and also the rest of the family. His death has changed me. I hoped it would somehow make me better, but I feel I am a worse, more depressed, more disconnected person. I know that this may also be due the huge amount of change and stress in my life, but nonetheless, it contributes. Sick kids, sick myself, new city, and my husband not working due to the process of starting a dental practice (which will take a year, and is a daunting feat on its own) seems to be too much for me. I miss my easy life in Las Vegas when all I really worried about was my kids. In Las Vegas Mark was making money, I had friends and a support network, my daughter had so many cousins nearby and hadn't experienced such change, my dad was alive and I saw him often, and it was sunny everyday. I wanted this move and if it wouldn't have happened when it did, I wouldn't have seen my dad as much, but it is still hard. This new life in this new city is what I want for my kids' future, but it doesn't take away how I feel now. I need to get over myself, and be there for everyone, but somehow I am frozen. It was easier when I was just helping my mom settle everything after his death, but I guess this is life after death. I hope to ease into it, and eventually honor my dad versus be so selfish. I know I need therapy, but the money and time alone don't exist. Also, then I have to really deal with the fact that he is gone. I don't want to deal with that.

A Rambling Introduction to this Process

I cry a lot, and I know I am not alone. We cry because of our loss of an amazing person. I write to help me. I am not an eloquent writer, but I must deal with my sadness and pain. I will never be the same person, but I hope to deal with my dad's loss and to pay tribute to him. This is for me, and hopefully may benefit others in need. My dad does not need this. He is in a better place, but he knows I do. He fulfilled his mission. I know he wishes for me to be as happy as I was before God took him. I hope to honor him and help others as he did.


My dad was the most amazing person, and I know everyone says that about those that die and maybe everyone is to those around them. He was special. He was humble and righteous and kind. Those are vague terms and easy to say, but hard to do. I will share why as time goes.


I was practically dealing with his death. Then I was numb to his death. Then I was sad. Then I was mad. I don't know where I am now, but I am not the same person I use to be. I am not as focused. I am vulnerable and scared. I feel like I have no control over my life. However, I do trust God, even if I forget sometimes. When he died, I knew it was God's plan and my father was willing to follow it. He was righteous. I love my dad. I love my mom, who now suffers without him. We will survive, but we must work on experiencing true joy again, like before, for that is what my dad would want.


It is hardest at night- when I am feeding my baby and rocking her to sleep. I think of him and what he is missing, even though he isn't because he sees it all. So I guess I cry for myself and my family. I have so much to say about what I've felt over the last month and a half. I will get to it. I will go day by day. I should have started sooner, for I have felt so much, but I will start from now.