Valentine's Day

I am so hurt and sad that I haven't been able to write like I wanted. I want to be in the place where I just have good memories and am at peace. I felt like I was there for a short time. I think I am going the wrong way in the stages of grief. Everything I see and do reminds me of my dad, and it makes me sad- sad for me and sad for my mom the most and also the rest of the family. His death has changed me. I hoped it would somehow make me better, but I feel I am a worse, more depressed, more disconnected person. I know that this may also be due the huge amount of change and stress in my life, but nonetheless, it contributes. Sick kids, sick myself, new city, and my husband not working due to the process of starting a dental practice (which will take a year, and is a daunting feat on its own) seems to be too much for me. I miss my easy life in Las Vegas when all I really worried about was my kids. In Las Vegas Mark was making money, I had friends and a support network, my daughter had so many cousins nearby and hadn't experienced such change, my dad was alive and I saw him often, and it was sunny everyday. I wanted this move and if it wouldn't have happened when it did, I wouldn't have seen my dad as much, but it is still hard. This new life in this new city is what I want for my kids' future, but it doesn't take away how I feel now. I need to get over myself, and be there for everyone, but somehow I am frozen. It was easier when I was just helping my mom settle everything after his death, but I guess this is life after death. I hope to ease into it, and eventually honor my dad versus be so selfish. I know I need therapy, but the money and time alone don't exist. Also, then I have to really deal with the fact that he is gone. I don't want to deal with that.

A Rambling Introduction to this Process

I cry a lot, and I know I am not alone. We cry because of our loss of an amazing person. I write to help me. I am not an eloquent writer, but I must deal with my sadness and pain. I will never be the same person, but I hope to deal with my dad's loss and to pay tribute to him. This is for me, and hopefully may benefit others in need. My dad does not need this. He is in a better place, but he knows I do. He fulfilled his mission. I know he wishes for me to be as happy as I was before God took him. I hope to honor him and help others as he did.


My dad was the most amazing person, and I know everyone says that about those that die and maybe everyone is to those around them. He was special. He was humble and righteous and kind. Those are vague terms and easy to say, but hard to do. I will share why as time goes.


I was practically dealing with his death. Then I was numb to his death. Then I was sad. Then I was mad. I don't know where I am now, but I am not the same person I use to be. I am not as focused. I am vulnerable and scared. I feel like I have no control over my life. However, I do trust God, even if I forget sometimes. When he died, I knew it was God's plan and my father was willing to follow it. He was righteous. I love my dad. I love my mom, who now suffers without him. We will survive, but we must work on experiencing true joy again, like before, for that is what my dad would want.


It is hardest at night- when I am feeding my baby and rocking her to sleep. I think of him and what he is missing, even though he isn't because he sees it all. So I guess I cry for myself and my family. I have so much to say about what I've felt over the last month and a half. I will get to it. I will go day by day. I should have started sooner, for I have felt so much, but I will start from now.