Transitions and Longing

Over the last year, we have been in the process of building a home. We are now in it. It is big and beautiful, and completely functional. It meets all our needs. We hope to never leave it. We built it so we could live here when we are old. The process has been stressful and tiresome, but also rewarding. All along the way, I've thought of my dad. He would have been so excited for us. He would have loved it. He would have been so positive, and helped me to not get so upset with the small things along the way, or he would have at least listened to me and heard me out, which just makes me feel better.

It was hard to leave the rental house in Lehi for our new house in Lehi, not because it was so great. It was because that was the house I moved to right after my dad died. Mark picked out the house by himself while I stayed in St. George and sat in the hospital room by my dad. The timing was crazy, but a blessing too. It allowed us to spend more time in St. George before we moved completely from Vegas. I experienced an array of emotions at that rental house- numbness, loneliness, anger, grief, sadness, etc. It was hard, and yet that house was comforting. It was a small house and it felt safe to me. My kids' bedrooms were upstairs, right by mine. My whole function in life at that time, was to survive, take care of my kids, deal with my grief, help my mom, and try to not make Mark suffer as much as I was. He was dealing with my dad's death himself.

So the transition, though hard, was good. All through the moving process, I thought of my dad. The last weekend I saw him before he was in the hospital, was at my house in Vegas helping me pack for the move. I only wish I knew what was going to happen, and that I could have done something to save him. I've moved now to this house. My dad would be so proud and happy. I know he is. He was most happy when his kids were happy and successful.

I've wanted a closeness to my dad. To feel him, to talk to him, to know he is here. I read something that talked about how our deceased loved ones are around us and we just don't realize it. They give us feelings or thoughts. As I've paid attention, I've realized it has happened to me. A priesthood blessing gives me that, and sometimes I just have some thoughts or emotion that I know comes from outside me. While doing Zumba this summer at the church, the song was about being happy. It was very upbeat and I really enjoyed it. One time when it said, "Be Happy." I knew it was my dad talking to me. I felt it in my whole body, and immediately started crying. I really can't describe it eloquantely, but I knew instantly what he wanted for me.

Also, I had a dream a couple of months ago, that I knew my dad was talking to me. We were in Disneyland, my dad and my family, and I was trying to help him with something. He started bleeding and getting really sick and I knew he was dying right there. I woke from my dream, not completely woke up, but recall not being in such a deep sleep, and trying to figure out what that meant. I wasn't crying, and then in my head it replayed and I heard my dad say, there was nothing I could have done to save him. He was going to die. The Disneyland event was to show me that if it wouldn't have happened how it actually did, it was going to happen soon anyway a different way. He had to go, and I couldn't do anything to save him. I woke up sobbing. Over the previous couple of weeks, I had been having so many flashbacks to his death. I felt so much guilt that I didn't do more to save him. I should have known and I should have had him at every doctor until we figured out what was going on. I realized from that dream, my dad does watch over me. He knows what I am going through, even though he isn't physically here. People in life don't even have that protection or love like I do from my dad who is no longer here. He will always be with me. I love him.

Feeling Close to My Dad

I was really struggling last month, with not feeling good, with anxiety that has developed since my dad's death, and with missing my dad. Mark gave me a blessing that was so comforting to me. I've had two now, since his death, and I never feel so close to my dad as I do then. It is my connection to him. It proves that he still lives. In the blessing it said that my dad is watching over my girls and seeing what they are doing. That he loves me and is proud of me and is aware of what I am going through. I was also blessed to know that I will have a long time with my kids and family. I am always afraid now, that I will lose my kids or Mark, or something will happen to me and my kids will be without a mom. It terrifies me. This blessing was of great comfort to me, even though now I don't remember it all, but the feeling I have of my Dad being very near was very comforting.

Father's Day is Approaching

I think about my dad everyday, not just with Father's Day coming, but having Father's Day upon us makes me analyze my thoughts more. Though, I say analyze, they really are still just a jumbled mess.

What would I say is one of the overall messages I got from my dad? My dad was a huge support to me. He cared for me, and he listened to me. He was good at it. He knew how to get me talking. He would say, "So what else is going on?" He would tell me how much he loved me and prayed for me. He always told me how I was going to do great things and succeed; that things would always work out. He always showed his concern, in a positive way. I look back on that, and think how amazing that was. I don't know if I completely understood how amazing that was at the time, but I sure miss it now. I don't know if I thought he was too optimistic or not in touch, or if I thought anything at all about it. Now I think, I want to be that for my kids.

The other message I've gotten from my dad, is that he was unwavering in his belief in God and his commitment to his church. He was such a servant to God, and was always helping people. I believe even in his last few days, he was unwavering in God's plan for him. He was a fighter. He tried to live, but he knew he was needed somewhere else. I think he held on a little longer for us, for us to wrap our heads around what was happening. He did not seem afraid of what was happening. That gives me comfort. This has helped me persevere. His death made and sometimes still makes me questions a lot of things, but I try to push it aside, and be like my dad; believing and obedient.

I miss him more than everything. I miss that he can't see my successes. Nothing would make him happier. I wish he could see how cute and amazing and smart my girls are. I wish he could see our new home we are building. I wish he could be here to comfort my mom, and take away her sadness. He completed her. She is a survivor, and she will overcome, but I wish she had him too.

I love you Daddy. Happy Father's Day! Emily wants to celebrate this day for you, even though you are not here, and I agree. She wanted to get you a card and send you a balloon in heaven. She believes heaven is very close to earth. I love that thought.

May 5, Birthday Day

My dad's birthday is today. He would be 62- so young. I think about him everyday, and still cry a lot, but the last few days have been especially tough. By 8:00 AM, this morning, I had already had sobbed twice, and it continues. I'm not with my mom today, and I feel bad. My sister-in-law and kids are with her, and I am very grateful for that. We will go to St. George tomorrow to be there for Mother's Day.


I found a picture of my dad with his grandbabies on his lap. They were struggling to find a comfortable place on his lap, all three of them, where they could see his IPad and reach the crackers. The look on his face, is one I've seen so many times. He was so content in the moment, accommodating his granddaughters and soaking in his time with them. He never missed a moment to be with them. Oh, what they are missing.


I struggle with how to move on. I've really tried to feel my feeling and embrace them and deal with them. They just come, and I don't repress them. I feel them, and let it be okay. But how do you move on. Sometimes pretending you don't feel anything and busying yourself is the only way, but I don't like that. It isn't fair to him. I've read things lately, that suggest we choose to move on and deal with it. We choose to keep going and pull ourselves up. So when do you do that? How do you do that? I'm hoping it comes naturally, because actively choosing to do that feels like I am letting go of my dad, and not giving him the attention he deserves. He deserves to be thought about all the time. He was such a great person.


Today I am grateful for my two healthy girls and husband, and for my own healthy body. I am also fearful that it can end any second. Life can change so quickly. I was rear ended yesterday, and of course it made me grateful Olivia and I are okay, and scared that injury and death are always so close and beyond our control. I also thought about how concerned my dad would have been for me. He would be calling regularly throughout the day to check on me.


I heard in church on Sunday, that Faith is a choice. We choose to have faith. It made me think a lot. I need to have faith in the plan. I need to have faith and be okay with what happened to my dad, that it was God's will. I need to have faith that I will be okay, and my mom too. I need to have faith that I can someday not live in fear everyday of what can happen to my family. It is really hard to deal with a death of a loved one. I think it is even harder because of how he died. Being there in the hospital for a week and a half, was such a crazy experience. Every minute was a new problem or concern or test. We wanted his body to heal. We wanted him to live, but it didn't happen. I am so grateful I was there when he took his last breathe, holding his hand- telling him he could go and that I loved him. Peace for my dad. I love you Daddy! Happy Birthday to you. You live on beyond this Earth. I know you exist, and I celebrate you.


I wish I would have been a more in touch, and outwardly expressed my deep love as much as you did, but better late than never I suppose. I try, though I don't always succeed, to really feel love and appreciate. The challenge is to really show it and to say it. For some reason, saying it is hard, but I am doing better. That is because of you.