To Dad- This First Christmas Season Without You

Dad, I think about you all the time. I miss you so much. With this holiday season, I feel the loneliness. I've had more of those moments, that I still can't believe I will drive to St. George, and you won't be there, or that I'm sleeping in your bed next to Mom, in your spot, instead of you. I look around at men your age and their families, and I think they have no idea what they have. What I wouldn't give to just sit and talk with you or to just be in the same room with you. You had such a calming presence. So many things this holiday season remind me of you. I debated doing anything that would remind me of what I am missing, but I decided to do it. We had our traditional German dinner. I thought it wasn't fair that you weren't there to have it with us. I am grateful, though, that you loved so many things that I can experience and remember you. I bought Squirt and Coke in glass bottles for our meal on December 23, the day you died. You would have liked to drink those again. We had those green chile tacos with limes that I made for you a few times and you loved so much. I haven't been able to eat them since you died, but I did on the 23rd. I'm trying to move on, but it is so hard. I try to be so grateful for each moment I have with those I love, but I also have this almost debilitating fear that I will lose my kids or Mark. I'm always scared. I just never thought I would lose you like that. I thought you would be an old man, that I was taking care of. Oh, how I wish. Good Christmas songs make me immediately cry, because I can hear you singing them, especially Silent Night in German.


You will never be forgotten. You influenced so many people for good. I don't think you have any idea how much people loved you and admired you. You were so humble.


I love you Daddy!

It is the holiday season, and I don't want to celebrate it. I miss my dad. He died almost one year ago, December 23 is the day. I've had a lot of flashbacks to the time in the hospital. I've become extremely scared of my kids getting sick. Olivia was admitted to the hospital for dehydration due to a virus that stayed a little too long. It was scary, and traumatizing. Even Emily was nervous. She was worried Olivia was going to die. She asked questions and talked about Grandpa dying in the hospital. It made me sad that she has dealt with that, and sad that she doesn't have him around to dote on her. Mark gave my girls and me a blessing when we were all sick. He talked about my dad and how he wanted me to be happy and not so sad, and that he loved me so much. The things he said were things my dad would have said. It was comforting.


Great things are happening in our life, and I feel bad that my dad doesn't get to experience them with us. He would be so excited and satisfied that we are building a house in a city we love. He would be thrilled that Emily is the best reader in her preschool class. I miss him. I feel so sad that he was suffering.