I think about my dad several times a day. It mostly makes me sad that he is not here, and he is missing out on life. I'm sad that I am missing out on him too. Here, in Utah, I am constantly reminded of my dad. There are so many men his age with a similar style going about their daily life. It makes me sad that my dad can't do the same. I'm also very sad for my mom. She no longer has her next to her everyday to comfort her, keep her company, and enjoy life. He was too young to die. I don't understand it. It makes me realize I don't understand this life so much. Why can't everyone live until they are old? My therapist says it says in the Doctrine in Covenants that we are appointed to death. I think my dad was so righteous, he must not have needed as long here. I still have these moments that I think he is alive, and then I realize he isn't. It shocks me and instantly makes me so sad everytime. I've started to have some good memories of my dad. I feel guilty I didn't make more. I was around him a lot, but I was busy attending to my kids and thinking about myself. I did think about him, worry about him, and know how much he sacrificed for me. I hope he knew that. He was so selfless.
On Labor Day Weekend, we went to his property at Kolob, where he loved to be. It was hard to go, but I felt like I needed to. It was very peaceful. I was sad he wasn't there, lying in his hammock, but I felt peace. It was nice to be with my mom and my brother and his family. The weather was perfect. I could feel my dad at peace. The ride home was the hardest. We didn't stay over night. It is hard with the kids and my joints, so we left in the evening. Mark and I thought of my dad and talked of him. I vividly remember the last time I went to the property, Memorial Day 2014. My dad wasn't feeling good and came home with us that night, instead of staying up there with everyone else. It wasn't like him. We had a nice conversation on the ride home. I just remember him being so supportive of Mark and me. He loved Emily so much. (He made up songs and sang to her often about how pretty and smart she was.) I wish I would have known last year, that he was more than just tired with some sort of cold. He was sick, very sick. I feel so much guilt. I look back at pictures from Halloween last year, and my dad doesn't like he feels good. It makes me so sad. Even if he had to die, I wish he would have felt better in the meantime. He didn't complain enough. He just dealt with it. I miss him so much. His death has rocked my world. I have so much anxiety and sadness now. I hope to overcome it. Also, on the mountain, as I rode on the Rhino (atv) with my girls and Heidi (Brian's wife), I thought about my dad. When Emily was little, we did stay one night at the property with my parents. My dad loved it there, so I would go to be with everyone, and do what he loved. That time, Mark, my dad, my mom, Emily, and I went on a Rhino ride together. Mark drove. We rode to the creek that my dad like to scoop up a handful of water from and drink, as it came right out of the earth. That memory is very nice.
