It is hard to believe that it has been over six months since my dad died. His birthday and Father's Day were tough. We spent them with my family. It is strange that life goes on, and yet it doesn't. I think about how I miss him everyday. Lately, I feel lonely and sad. It is a strange feeling to lose a parent, someone who cares about you and is always there to catch you. It means I have to become more and more the adult in life.
After my dad died, I was searching for meaning and a way to honor him. I couldn't find the right thing. I considered taking up running and doing races for causes, but it seemed so trite. I thought a lot about what was important to my dad. It was his family and church. Before he died, I was trying to get my temple recommend again, since it had expired. My Bishop wanted to know me more before I could get it. I think he wanted me to be more involved. I didn't have a calling and I had been gone a lot, due to Olivia's birth. It frustrated me. I had been feeling for months that I needed to get my recommend. One of the last in depth conversations I had with my dad occurred in November about this. I told him what was happening and my concerns that since we were moving, my new bishop wouldn't want to give me a recommend because of my old bishop. My dad was so encouraging and supportive of me. He understood what I was going through. He was not judgmental at all. He assured me it wouldn't be a problem. After his death, we moved a month later, and I got right on getting my recommend. As I was leaving my appointment, recommend in hand, I knew what I had to do for my dad. I had to face my anxiety of having a calling, and just deal with it. I needed to go to the temple more regularly. Mark and I took the calling of Primary Teachers. It has been really good for us, even though it can be difficult with a baby and finding subs when we go out of town, but it has been worth it. Church had been really difficult for me. I was very cynical and critical of what people would say- they really had no idea what it was like to go through what we did. Primary has been good because it is the basic principles of the gospel. We even spoke in church. My dad has inspired me. I know he would be very pleased.
My dad's death has also changed me as a parent. I was a good parent before, but I was a little too selfish and didn't quite recognize how amazing this opportunity is. I now relish in every moment with my kids. I am more present with them. I am more patient and more grateful. Life can change in an instant and also time just flies by so fast. My babies are my everything. They are what I go on for.
