My dad's birthday is today. He would be 62- so young. I think about him everyday, and still cry a lot, but the last few days have been especially tough. By 8:00 AM, this morning, I had already had sobbed twice, and it continues. I'm not with my mom today, and I feel bad. My sister-in-law and kids are with her, and I am very grateful for that. We will go to St. George tomorrow to be there for Mother's Day.
I found a picture of my dad with his grandbabies on his lap. They were struggling to find a comfortable place on his lap, all three of them, where they could see his IPad and reach the crackers. The look on his face, is one I've seen so many times. He was so content in the moment, accommodating his granddaughters and soaking in his time with them. He never missed a moment to be with them. Oh, what they are missing.
I struggle with how to move on. I've really tried to feel my feeling and embrace them and deal with them. They just come, and I don't repress them. I feel them, and let it be okay. But how do you move on. Sometimes pretending you don't feel anything and busying yourself is the only way, but I don't like that. It isn't fair to him. I've read things lately, that suggest we choose to move on and deal with it. We choose to keep going and pull ourselves up. So when do you do that? How do you do that? I'm hoping it comes naturally, because actively choosing to do that feels like I am letting go of my dad, and not giving him the attention he deserves. He deserves to be thought about all the time. He was such a great person.
Today I am grateful for my two healthy girls and husband, and for my own healthy body. I am also fearful that it can end any second. Life can change so quickly. I was rear ended yesterday, and of course it made me grateful Olivia and I are okay, and scared that injury and death are always so close and beyond our control. I also thought about how concerned my dad would have been for me. He would be calling regularly throughout the day to check on me.
I heard in church on Sunday, that Faith is a choice. We choose to have faith. It made me think a lot. I need to have faith in the plan. I need to have faith and be okay with what happened to my dad, that it was God's will. I need to have faith that I will be okay, and my mom too. I need to have faith that I can someday not live in fear everyday of what can happen to my family. It is really hard to deal with a death of a loved one. I think it is even harder because of how he died. Being there in the hospital for a week and a half, was such a crazy experience. Every minute was a new problem or concern or test. We wanted his body to heal. We wanted him to live, but it didn't happen. I am so grateful I was there when he took his last breathe, holding his hand- telling him he could go and that I loved him. Peace for my dad. I love you Daddy! Happy Birthday to you. You live on beyond this Earth. I know you exist, and I celebrate you.
I wish I would have been a more in touch, and outwardly expressed my deep love as much as you did, but better late than never I suppose. I try, though I don't always succeed, to really feel love and appreciate. The challenge is to really show it and to say it. For some reason, saying it is hard, but I am doing better. That is because of you.
