My baby is "Grandpa's Girl". He use to call her that, as he did with all his granddaughters as he would rock them and sing to them. I can just picture him walking around my house, with my baby cradled in his arms, as he gently bounced her and sang to her- singing songs he made up that included how she was Grandpa's girl and how he loved her. My best friend from high school and college saw my baby for the first time and said her eyes looked my dad's eyes. It hit me then, and I realized my baby looks like my dad. She even makes these facial expressions that are uniquely his. I am grateful for that. When she is older, I will tell her that often, and tell her about him. I will tell her how loving, non-judgmental, and humble he was. I will tell her how he was so supportive of his kids and his grandkids.
I try to be okay, but I have this overwhelming subdued sadness that hangs over me. I use to feel like I could be more in control of my emotions and destiny, but now I feel powerless. I have lost my optimism for good things to happen in life. It is very sad. It makes me scared and kind of frozen. I hate it for my husband and family. I have shutdown a lot. I find it easier to just not talk, because I don't have anything positive to say or don't feel like celebrating. I have the attitude now- I'll believe when I see it. I want my naivete and faith back. I thought I would just miss my dad, but I had no idea how his death would also change me to the core. I feel like I lost my dad physically, and also his spirit and aura. I feel like the latter being my fault. I want to be able to feel him and know he is here with me and my family, but I can't find him because of my blocked self. It makes me wonder if my belief in his spirit staying with me was all never going to happen. I hope not. I was always a believer and felt there was a connection between our worlds. I get that people have to die, but I hate it.
Sundays are the worse. I know my mom is having a hard time alone at her church, and I realize that people at church have no idea what is really like to go through something like this. Basic principles are comforting, but somehow don't completely uphold once you've had a real problem- at least for now. I hope they do in the future. Every Sunday seems to be about challenges and hard things, but I feel like people have no idea. Maybe they are all more faithful then I am. I want to raise my hand and say, but what about when that doesn't work..., and say it isn't really the way they all think it is, but what is the point. I will just look crazy, and what good what that do. So instead, I try to get something out of it, keep holding my tears back, and wish we could talk about some other principles, like paying your tithing. I want to just leave, but I know I should stay.
Tonight we ate a meal that I started making last year- Green chili tacos with several toppings that are unique. I made it for my dad a couple of times. He loved it. I made it for his 60th birthday, his last birthday. It was hard to eat it tonight. I only made it because my husband really wanted it. Almost everything I see and do reminds me of my dad, and someday I hope that it doesn't bring me down so much and make me cry tears of sadness.
I try to come back to my blessings, even though I can't get them to stick in my head. I have my health, a great husband, and two beautiful and healthy daughters that my father loved. And... I have Grandpa's Girl.
