Sleep Training my 10 month old Baby

Getting my baby to sleep through the night- I have been putting it off for so many reasons, even though I would really like her to sleep more at night, and especially me to sleep more at night. I understand it more now. My baby saved me through my father's death and the month's that followed. When my dad was in the ICU, my baby wouldn't take a bottle, so I would rush home every couple of hours, or someone would bring her to me, so I could feed her. She needed me. I had to stay healthy for her. I ate and I drank water for her. In the months that followed, I sat in her room at night feeding her thinking of my father and how hurt I was and tried to figure out ways to understand why this happened and how to make sense of his death. With my dad's death, my love for my girls is even more on the forefront of my mind. They are my everything. My world had been turned upside down, and I felt like nothing mattered anymore. The only thing that mattered was that they had a good life. That kept me going. Having my baby cry because she wanted or needed me, has been too much for me to handle, so I always went to her. I wanted to help her, like I couldn't for my father. So now, moving on and letting her cry it out and not feeding her at night will be hard for me. Though I hate the quiet time to myself in the middle of the night, I know I will miss it. It feel like it kept me connected to my dad and my reality. I don't want my baby to grow up, and I don't want the time to pass so quickly from when I last saw my dad. However, I know it is best for my baby, so I must do it.

Therapy Goal- Positive Writing

One of my goals for therapy is to write something positive-  to write about my dad, not about me. I have struggled with remembering my dad, probably because I am so focused on how his death has affected me. I haven't been able to look past it, but I want to. I want to think about my dad with a smile on my face sometimes, not tears streaming down it.


I have had a few dreams with my dad in it. One where we were on a rhino ride together, just talking. He was being so caring, as he always was, just asking how I was doing and how everything was going. I turned to him, and said I thought he died and was not coming back. He said he was gone for awhile, but not forever. I was so relieved, until I woke up. It made me happy to have a dream with him in it, but even more sad that a situation like that won't happen again and it wasn't real. However, the other day, it hit me that maybe it was a message to me. Him being gone is for the rest of my earth life, but not forever. I know that already, but it doesn't comfort me. This comforted me a little. I also had a dream that I was shopping with him, and we ran into some ward members who recently had their son die. He had forgotten that, but was still being so caring. I reminded him, and he was right there with me in the moment.


So for my good memory of my dad that I thought of this week... It was our trip to Walt Disney World in Florida. It was the summer before 10th grade. We had never been to Florida. What I remember most was being at the Epcot Center with my dad and family. We loved going to all the different countries. My dad had installed in us a love of travel and learning about different cultures. I particularly remember his excitement in the German area, because it was so similar to the real place. I had been to Germany with my dad and mom when I was in seventh grade, so it meant something more to me. My dad was a good sport the whole trip. He participated in all the rides and activities. Up to that point in my life, that was the biggest trip I had been on in the U.S.. I feel very blessed to have had that opportunity with him. I plan to find my pictures, and I'm sure more memories of that trip will flood back to me.