Cycles of Emotional Being

I go through cycles of how I think and feel about my dad and his death. For awhile, I was mostly thinking about how his death affected my life. It has made me a different person, not a better or stronger person. Lately, I have just been sad. I miss him. I feel bad that he doesn't get to experience the great things in life anymore. I also felt sad for myself, while all along having deep empathy for my mom. I realized that I miss and will miss what he use to do for me. He had great attributes. He had an undying confidence in me. I could do anything and he thought I was so great, even if I did nothing. He was so humble. If I was worried about the future, he calmed me and always said everything will work out. He always eluded to how smart I was. I believe he thought I was smarter than I really am. He just always thought everything would always get better. It was nice to have that. I am a worrier and a planner of details. He always had faith and just put in the work. He seemed to approve of my choices, but if he didn't, I didn't know. He was supportive no matter what. I never really termed him a loyal person. It wasn't a word I thought about often until lately. I don't feel that I was really trying to be a loyal person. I feel that my family was on the side of the person in the right, but as I look back my dad tried to encourage the right and yet he was very loyal. He was very loyal to me. Even when I wasn't living up to my full potential, he didn't give me a hard time. He understood and always said why it would come. He understood my circumstances and my limitations, but he knew my potential. I miss him dearly. I miss that safety net of complete confidence that life was going to be okay. He eased my mind. Growing up, he was always a peacemaker in my family. I know he was a calming force to a lot of other people around him too. I also miss his enthusiasm for the little things, like the different Coke bottles. He had such a youthful spontaneous side too. He knew how to live life. He sure did. I only pray he is happier now than he was in this life- with no pain.