Father's Day is Approaching

I think about my dad everyday, not just with Father's Day coming, but having Father's Day upon us makes me analyze my thoughts more. Though, I say analyze, they really are still just a jumbled mess.

What would I say is one of the overall messages I got from my dad? My dad was a huge support to me. He cared for me, and he listened to me. He was good at it. He knew how to get me talking. He would say, "So what else is going on?" He would tell me how much he loved me and prayed for me. He always told me how I was going to do great things and succeed; that things would always work out. He always showed his concern, in a positive way. I look back on that, and think how amazing that was. I don't know if I completely understood how amazing that was at the time, but I sure miss it now. I don't know if I thought he was too optimistic or not in touch, or if I thought anything at all about it. Now I think, I want to be that for my kids.

The other message I've gotten from my dad, is that he was unwavering in his belief in God and his commitment to his church. He was such a servant to God, and was always helping people. I believe even in his last few days, he was unwavering in God's plan for him. He was a fighter. He tried to live, but he knew he was needed somewhere else. I think he held on a little longer for us, for us to wrap our heads around what was happening. He did not seem afraid of what was happening. That gives me comfort. This has helped me persevere. His death made and sometimes still makes me questions a lot of things, but I try to push it aside, and be like my dad; believing and obedient.

I miss him more than everything. I miss that he can't see my successes. Nothing would make him happier. I wish he could see how cute and amazing and smart my girls are. I wish he could see our new home we are building. I wish he could be here to comfort my mom, and take away her sadness. He completed her. She is a survivor, and she will overcome, but I wish she had him too.

I love you Daddy. Happy Father's Day! Emily wants to celebrate this day for you, even though you are not here, and I agree. She wanted to get you a card and send you a balloon in heaven. She believes heaven is very close to earth. I love that thought.

May 5, Birthday Day

My dad's birthday is today. He would be 62- so young. I think about him everyday, and still cry a lot, but the last few days have been especially tough. By 8:00 AM, this morning, I had already had sobbed twice, and it continues. I'm not with my mom today, and I feel bad. My sister-in-law and kids are with her, and I am very grateful for that. We will go to St. George tomorrow to be there for Mother's Day.


I found a picture of my dad with his grandbabies on his lap. They were struggling to find a comfortable place on his lap, all three of them, where they could see his IPad and reach the crackers. The look on his face, is one I've seen so many times. He was so content in the moment, accommodating his granddaughters and soaking in his time with them. He never missed a moment to be with them. Oh, what they are missing.


I struggle with how to move on. I've really tried to feel my feeling and embrace them and deal with them. They just come, and I don't repress them. I feel them, and let it be okay. But how do you move on. Sometimes pretending you don't feel anything and busying yourself is the only way, but I don't like that. It isn't fair to him. I've read things lately, that suggest we choose to move on and deal with it. We choose to keep going and pull ourselves up. So when do you do that? How do you do that? I'm hoping it comes naturally, because actively choosing to do that feels like I am letting go of my dad, and not giving him the attention he deserves. He deserves to be thought about all the time. He was such a great person.


Today I am grateful for my two healthy girls and husband, and for my own healthy body. I am also fearful that it can end any second. Life can change so quickly. I was rear ended yesterday, and of course it made me grateful Olivia and I are okay, and scared that injury and death are always so close and beyond our control. I also thought about how concerned my dad would have been for me. He would be calling regularly throughout the day to check on me.


I heard in church on Sunday, that Faith is a choice. We choose to have faith. It made me think a lot. I need to have faith in the plan. I need to have faith and be okay with what happened to my dad, that it was God's will. I need to have faith that I will be okay, and my mom too. I need to have faith that I can someday not live in fear everyday of what can happen to my family. It is really hard to deal with a death of a loved one. I think it is even harder because of how he died. Being there in the hospital for a week and a half, was such a crazy experience. Every minute was a new problem or concern or test. We wanted his body to heal. We wanted him to live, but it didn't happen. I am so grateful I was there when he took his last breathe, holding his hand- telling him he could go and that I loved him. Peace for my dad. I love you Daddy! Happy Birthday to you. You live on beyond this Earth. I know you exist, and I celebrate you.


I wish I would have been a more in touch, and outwardly expressed my deep love as much as you did, but better late than never I suppose. I try, though I don't always succeed, to really feel love and appreciate. The challenge is to really show it and to say it. For some reason, saying it is hard, but I am doing better. That is because of you.

To Dad- This First Christmas Season Without You

Dad, I think about you all the time. I miss you so much. With this holiday season, I feel the loneliness. I've had more of those moments, that I still can't believe I will drive to St. George, and you won't be there, or that I'm sleeping in your bed next to Mom, in your spot, instead of you. I look around at men your age and their families, and I think they have no idea what they have. What I wouldn't give to just sit and talk with you or to just be in the same room with you. You had such a calming presence. So many things this holiday season remind me of you. I debated doing anything that would remind me of what I am missing, but I decided to do it. We had our traditional German dinner. I thought it wasn't fair that you weren't there to have it with us. I am grateful, though, that you loved so many things that I can experience and remember you. I bought Squirt and Coke in glass bottles for our meal on December 23, the day you died. You would have liked to drink those again. We had those green chile tacos with limes that I made for you a few times and you loved so much. I haven't been able to eat them since you died, but I did on the 23rd. I'm trying to move on, but it is so hard. I try to be so grateful for each moment I have with those I love, but I also have this almost debilitating fear that I will lose my kids or Mark. I'm always scared. I just never thought I would lose you like that. I thought you would be an old man, that I was taking care of. Oh, how I wish. Good Christmas songs make me immediately cry, because I can hear you singing them, especially Silent Night in German.


You will never be forgotten. You influenced so many people for good. I don't think you have any idea how much people loved you and admired you. You were so humble.


I love you Daddy!

It is the holiday season, and I don't want to celebrate it. I miss my dad. He died almost one year ago, December 23 is the day. I've had a lot of flashbacks to the time in the hospital. I've become extremely scared of my kids getting sick. Olivia was admitted to the hospital for dehydration due to a virus that stayed a little too long. It was scary, and traumatizing. Even Emily was nervous. She was worried Olivia was going to die. She asked questions and talked about Grandpa dying in the hospital. It made me sad that she has dealt with that, and sad that she doesn't have him around to dote on her. Mark gave my girls and me a blessing when we were all sick. He talked about my dad and how he wanted me to be happy and not so sad, and that he loved me so much. The things he said were things my dad would have said. It was comforting.


Great things are happening in our life, and I feel bad that my dad doesn't get to experience them with us. He would be so excited and satisfied that we are building a house in a city we love. He would be thrilled that Emily is the best reader in her preschool class. I miss him. I feel so sad that he was suffering.

Missing His Presence

I always think about my dad, but I can't bring myself to write. Writing makes me live in the sadness, though I know it is good to get it out.
My birthday was hard without my dad, and I knew it would be. I have a lot of great people in my life, but my dad was that person who loved me unconditionally and could verbalize that in such a way that it brought peace and security to me. I always knew I could count on him to just love me. My dad often told me how proud he was of me and how much he loved me, but on my birthday, I could always count on him. I always knew my birthday was special for not only me, but him too. He was a soul full of emotion, and would ponder life. Even as imperfect as I am, I knew that he felt I was such an accomplishment in life. I made him extremely proud, though undeserving by me. I wish he would take credit for my good parts, since he shaped me, but he didn't- he gave all the credit to me. It was hard on my birthday not to get that phone call or get that big hug wishing me a happy birthday, wanting to know my plans, hearing that he was thinking of me and proud of me, and that he was praying for me. Everyone needs a person like my dad in their life. I know it even more now.


I've realized that I'm upset at God. I've tried to just ignore the whole thing, because I don't want to make any stupid decisions or even put words to what I just did. My dad was an amazing person who deserved to live longer. His family needed him. His ward needed him. We all prayed and fasted and made promises, and none of it mattered. I know there is more reason to his death- that there is more to this world and that my dad is probably doing amazing things- but it doesn't take away my human pain and the pain I feel for my mom. I wish I could feel my dad or see him or know what he is doing. I wish we were more connected between worlds. So I try to forget how upset I am, and still just press on in church for my kids and for my dad. I have a calling for him- he would be proud. I wish the couple years before he died, I could have been better at church callings and attendance- despite my anxiety- for my dad. I'm sure that was hard for him. So now I do. My mom and I went to the temple again, and it feels good, but I wish the feelings could last longer.

Kolob

I think about my dad several times a day. It mostly makes me sad that he is not here, and he is missing out on life. I'm sad that I am missing out on him too. Here, in Utah, I am constantly reminded of my dad. There are so many men his age with a similar style going about their daily life. It makes me sad that my dad can't do the same. I'm also very sad for my mom. She no longer has her next to her everyday to comfort her, keep her company, and enjoy life. He was too young to die. I don't understand it. It makes me realize I don't understand this life so much. Why can't everyone live until they are old? My therapist says it says in the Doctrine in Covenants that we are appointed to death. I think my dad was so righteous, he must not have needed as long here. I still have these moments that I think he is alive, and then I realize he isn't. It shocks me and instantly makes me so sad everytime. I've started to have some good memories of my dad. I feel guilty I didn't make more. I was around him a lot, but I was busy attending to my kids and thinking about myself. I did think about him, worry about him, and know how much he sacrificed for me. I hope he knew that. He was so selfless.


On Labor Day Weekend, we went to his property at Kolob, where he loved to be. It was hard to go, but I felt like I needed to. It was very peaceful. I was sad he wasn't there, lying in his hammock, but I felt peace. It was nice to be with my mom and my brother and his family. The weather was perfect. I could feel my dad at peace. The ride home was the hardest. We didn't stay over night. It is hard with the kids and my joints, so we left in the evening. Mark and I thought of my dad and talked of him. I vividly remember the last time I went to the property, Memorial Day 2014. My dad wasn't feeling good and came home with us that night, instead of staying up there with everyone else. It wasn't like him. We had a nice conversation on the ride home. I just remember him being so supportive of Mark and me. He loved Emily so much. (He made up songs and sang to her often about how pretty and smart she was.) I wish I would have known last year, that he was more than just tired with some sort of cold. He was sick, very sick. I feel so much guilt. I look back at pictures from Halloween last year, and my dad doesn't like he feels good. It makes me so sad. Even if he had to die, I wish he would have felt better in the meantime. He didn't complain enough. He just dealt with it. I miss him so much. His death has rocked my world. I have so much anxiety and sadness now. I hope to overcome it. Also, on the mountain, as I rode on the Rhino (atv) with my girls and Heidi (Brian's wife), I thought about my dad. When Emily was little, we did stay one night at the property with my parents. My dad loved it there, so I would go to be with everyone, and do what he loved. That time, Mark, my dad, my mom, Emily, and I went on a Rhino ride together. Mark drove. We rode to the creek that my dad like to scoop up a handful of water from and drink, as it came right out of the earth. That memory is very nice.

My Dad's Influence

It is hard to believe that it has been over six months since my dad died. His birthday and Father's Day were tough. We spent them with my family. It is strange that life goes on, and yet it doesn't. I think about how I miss him everyday. Lately, I feel lonely and sad. It is a strange feeling to lose a parent, someone who cares about you and is always there to catch you. It means I have to become more and more the adult in life.


After my dad died, I was searching for meaning and a way to honor him. I couldn't find the right thing. I considered taking up running and doing races for causes, but it seemed so trite. I thought a lot about what was important to my dad. It was his family and church. Before he died, I was trying to get my temple recommend again, since it had expired. My Bishop wanted to know me more before I could get it. I think he wanted me to be more involved. I didn't have a calling and I had been gone a lot, due to Olivia's birth. It frustrated me. I had been feeling for months that I needed to get my recommend. One of the last in depth conversations I had with my dad occurred in November about this. I told him what was happening and my concerns that since we were moving, my new bishop wouldn't want to give me a recommend because of my old bishop. My dad was so encouraging and supportive of me. He understood what I was going through. He was not judgmental at all. He assured me it wouldn't be a problem. After his death, we moved a month later, and  I got right on getting my recommend. As I was leaving my appointment, recommend in hand, I knew what I had to do for my dad. I had to face my anxiety of having a calling, and just deal with it. I needed to go to the temple more regularly. Mark and I took the calling of Primary Teachers. It has been really good for us, even though it can be difficult with a baby and finding subs when we go out of town, but it has been worth it. Church had been really difficult for me. I was very cynical and critical of what people would say- they really had no idea what it was like to go through what we did. Primary has been good because it is the basic principles of the gospel. We even spoke in church. My dad has inspired me. I know he would be very pleased.


My dad's death has also changed me as a parent. I was a good parent before, but I was a little too selfish and didn't quite recognize how amazing this opportunity is. I now relish in every moment with my kids. I am more present with them. I am more patient and more grateful. Life can change in an instant and also time just flies by so fast. My babies are my everything. They are what I go on for.