Cycles of Emotional Being

I go through cycles of how I think and feel about my dad and his death. For awhile, I was mostly thinking about how his death affected my life. It has made me a different person, not a better or stronger person. Lately, I have just been sad. I miss him. I feel bad that he doesn't get to experience the great things in life anymore. I also felt sad for myself, while all along having deep empathy for my mom. I realized that I miss and will miss what he use to do for me. He had great attributes. He had an undying confidence in me. I could do anything and he thought I was so great, even if I did nothing. He was so humble. If I was worried about the future, he calmed me and always said everything will work out. He always eluded to how smart I was. I believe he thought I was smarter than I really am. He just always thought everything would always get better. It was nice to have that. I am a worrier and a planner of details. He always had faith and just put in the work. He seemed to approve of my choices, but if he didn't, I didn't know. He was supportive no matter what. I never really termed him a loyal person. It wasn't a word I thought about often until lately. I don't feel that I was really trying to be a loyal person. I feel that my family was on the side of the person in the right, but as I look back my dad tried to encourage the right and yet he was very loyal. He was very loyal to me. Even when I wasn't living up to my full potential, he didn't give me a hard time. He understood and always said why it would come. He understood my circumstances and my limitations, but he knew my potential. I miss him dearly. I miss that safety net of complete confidence that life was going to be okay. He eased my mind. Growing up, he was always a peacemaker in my family. I know he was a calming force to a lot of other people around him too. I also miss his enthusiasm for the little things, like the different Coke bottles. He had such a youthful spontaneous side too. He knew how to live life. He sure did. I only pray he is happier now than he was in this life- with no pain.

Grandpa's Girl

My baby is "Grandpa's Girl". He use to call her that, as he did with all his granddaughters as he would rock them and sing to them. I can just picture him walking around my house, with my baby cradled in his arms, as he gently bounced her and sang to her- singing songs he made up that included how she was Grandpa's girl and how he loved her. My best friend from high school and college saw my baby for the first time and said her eyes looked my dad's eyes. It hit me then, and I realized my baby looks like my dad. She even makes these facial expressions that are uniquely his. I am grateful for that. When she is older, I will tell her that often, and tell her about him. I will tell her how loving, non-judgmental, and humble he was. I will tell her how he was so supportive of his kids and his grandkids.


I try to be okay, but I have this overwhelming subdued sadness that hangs over me. I use to feel like I could be more in control of my emotions and destiny, but now I feel powerless. I have lost my optimism for good things to happen in life. It is very sad. It makes me scared and kind of frozen. I hate it for my husband and family. I have shutdown a lot. I find it easier to just not talk, because I don't have anything positive to say or don't feel like celebrating. I have the attitude now- I'll believe when I see it. I want my naivete and faith back. I thought I would just miss my dad, but I had no idea how his death would also change me to the core. I feel like I lost my dad physically, and also his spirit and aura. I feel like the latter being my fault. I want to be able to feel him and know he is here with me and my family, but I can't find him because of my blocked self. It makes me wonder if my belief in his spirit staying with me was all never going to happen. I hope not. I was always a believer and felt there was a connection between our worlds. I get that people have to die, but I hate it.


Sundays are the worse. I know my mom is having a hard time alone at her church, and I realize that people at church have no idea what is really like to go through something like this. Basic principles are comforting, but somehow don't completely uphold once you've had a real problem- at least for now. I hope they do in the future. Every Sunday seems to be about challenges and hard things, but I feel like people have no idea. Maybe they are all more faithful then I am. I want to raise my hand and say, but what about when that doesn't work..., and say it isn't really the way they all think it is, but what is the point. I will just look crazy, and what good what that do. So instead, I try to get something out of it, keep holding my tears back, and wish we could talk about some other principles, like paying your tithing. I want to just leave, but I know I should stay.


Tonight we ate a meal that I started making last year- Green chili tacos with several toppings that are unique. I made it for my dad a couple of times. He loved it. I made it for his 60th birthday, his last birthday. It was hard to eat it tonight. I only made it because my husband really wanted it. Almost everything I see and do reminds me of my dad, and someday I hope that it doesn't bring me down so much and make me cry tears of sadness.


I try to come back to my blessings, even though I can't get them to stick in my head. I have my health, a great husband, and two beautiful and healthy daughters that my father loved. And... I have Grandpa's Girl.

Valentine's Day

I am so hurt and sad that I haven't been able to write like I wanted. I want to be in the place where I just have good memories and am at peace. I felt like I was there for a short time. I think I am going the wrong way in the stages of grief. Everything I see and do reminds me of my dad, and it makes me sad- sad for me and sad for my mom the most and also the rest of the family. His death has changed me. I hoped it would somehow make me better, but I feel I am a worse, more depressed, more disconnected person. I know that this may also be due the huge amount of change and stress in my life, but nonetheless, it contributes. Sick kids, sick myself, new city, and my husband not working due to the process of starting a dental practice (which will take a year, and is a daunting feat on its own) seems to be too much for me. I miss my easy life in Las Vegas when all I really worried about was my kids. In Las Vegas Mark was making money, I had friends and a support network, my daughter had so many cousins nearby and hadn't experienced such change, my dad was alive and I saw him often, and it was sunny everyday. I wanted this move and if it wouldn't have happened when it did, I wouldn't have seen my dad as much, but it is still hard. This new life in this new city is what I want for my kids' future, but it doesn't take away how I feel now. I need to get over myself, and be there for everyone, but somehow I am frozen. It was easier when I was just helping my mom settle everything after his death, but I guess this is life after death. I hope to ease into it, and eventually honor my dad versus be so selfish. I know I need therapy, but the money and time alone don't exist. Also, then I have to really deal with the fact that he is gone. I don't want to deal with that.

A Rambling Introduction to this Process

I cry a lot, and I know I am not alone. We cry because of our loss of an amazing person. I write to help me. I am not an eloquent writer, but I must deal with my sadness and pain. I will never be the same person, but I hope to deal with my dad's loss and to pay tribute to him. This is for me, and hopefully may benefit others in need. My dad does not need this. He is in a better place, but he knows I do. He fulfilled his mission. I know he wishes for me to be as happy as I was before God took him. I hope to honor him and help others as he did.


My dad was the most amazing person, and I know everyone says that about those that die and maybe everyone is to those around them. He was special. He was humble and righteous and kind. Those are vague terms and easy to say, but hard to do. I will share why as time goes.


I was practically dealing with his death. Then I was numb to his death. Then I was sad. Then I was mad. I don't know where I am now, but I am not the same person I use to be. I am not as focused. I am vulnerable and scared. I feel like I have no control over my life. However, I do trust God, even if I forget sometimes. When he died, I knew it was God's plan and my father was willing to follow it. He was righteous. I love my dad. I love my mom, who now suffers without him. We will survive, but we must work on experiencing true joy again, like before, for that is what my dad would want.


It is hardest at night- when I am feeding my baby and rocking her to sleep. I think of him and what he is missing, even though he isn't because he sees it all. So I guess I cry for myself and my family. I have so much to say about what I've felt over the last month and a half. I will get to it. I will go day by day. I should have started sooner, for I have felt so much, but I will start from now.